


Past and Present

by orphan_account



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Panic Attacks, some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-05-16 21:41:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5841988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So Clarke invited Lexa to her apartment. It was basically a booty call, if Clarke was honest. Since Finn, Clarke hadn’t been out with anyone on a date or anything like that. She didn’t really want to worry about a romantic relationship right now. Too much trouble. Too much risk. Too little reward.</p><p>Lexa, a confirmed player who lived in a different city, seemed like the perfect person to fulfill some physical needs. Lexa liked sex without romantic attachment. Clarke wanted sex with no romantic attachment. Lexa was hot. Clarke was hot. It was perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The door slammed shut. Lexa gasped. Her back hitting the bathroom stall door and hands gripping her collar. She glimpsed an intense look of want in blue eyes before lips were crushed to hers. It was bruising. Aggressive. And Lexa had never been so turned on.

Lexa allowed the blonde’s tongue in mouth and one hand tangled in her blonde hair while the other slipped to a firm ass. She felt hands sneak under her shirt and slide up the flat planes of her stomach. The touch felt cool against her skin but made the heat in her belly grow. Fingers traveled to the edge of her bra before skimming back down to play with the band of her jeans. Lexa moved her mouth to the blonde’s neck as fingers began working the button on her pants. Once unfastened, the girl didn’t bother to remove them. Her hand slid under Lexa’s panties and into her heat.

It wasn’t usually like this. Lexa being fucked against a bathroom stall door by a stranger. Usually Lexa was doing the fucking. Wearing a leather jacket, combat boots, and black skinny jeans most girls expected Lexa to be the aggressor. Her serious demeanor, intense gaze, and blessed genetics meant most girls follow her into the bathroom without a thought. The girls would usually look so innocent. Bright colors. Sundresses. Girls looking to experiment. Or just a fun time. They seemed to the love the dirty act of fucking in bathroom. Of knowing others could possibly hear their moans. Knowing others could hear the creaking of the door frame. The rapid breathing. The breathy moans. It turned them on. Some sort of fantasy she guessed.

As the blonde’s fingers entered her, causing Lexa to gasp in pleasure at the sensation, she began to understand while all those girls loved being taken against a door. It felt dirty, raw, and so damn good. The movement of their bodies causing the door to creak. The sharp sense of pain as the blonde nipped her throat only to sooth it with her tongue. With the girls fingers thrusting inside her and a warm mouth on her neck Lexa lost herself to pleasure. Mind-numbing pleasure.

An hour earlier:

_“So that’s Octavia. Damn. Good for Lincoln. Girl’s hot.” Anya said. Her back leaning against the bar and a beer bottle in one hand._

_“That she is.” Lexa replied as her eyes swept up the and down the brunette one last time._

_She and Anya were to meet Lincoln his new fiancé Octavia and Octavia’s friends tonight. Lincoln and Octavia had just gotten engaged and wanted their respective friend groups to meet. Anya and Lexa had arrived a little early to the get-together. Apparently Octavia had arrived before Lincoln as Lexa had spent the last 5 minutes deciding how she was going to approach the hot brunette sitting alone. When Lincoln arrived and kissed the brunette Lexa realized she needed to find another girl to pursue tonight._

_Her eyes went to scan the room as Lincoln waved her and Anya over. To be completely honest Lexa was a bit surprised when Lincoln invited her to this. They may have known each other since middle school but they hadn’t been close recently. They barely talked at all in the last 13 months. Lexa really hadn’t talked to anyone in the last 13 months._

_“Anya! Lexa! I’m so glad you two could come!” Lincoln smiled as he gave each of them a hug. His Mohawk was gone and his head shaven bare. His smile was different too. Bigger maybe. It reached his eyes now. Lexa hadn’t seen that smile on him since high school. Before Afghanistan. Before his two tours._

_“Hey Linc! So this must be the fiancé? Anya asked as she gestured to Octavia. The girl was prettier up close with an incredible bone structure and jaw line. Lincoln was a lucky guy._

_“Yep. Anya, Lexa this is Octavia. Octavia this is Anya and Lexa.” Lincoln said. His arm going around Octavia and chest puffing out a little in pride. Octavia smiled at them for a moment Lexa thought she would turn out to be a hugger but when she extended her hand Lexa gladly took it._

_“Nice to meet you both. Lincoln’s told me a lot about you. And Anya if you’re wondering if he told me about the incident with the pool your freshman year of college, he did.” Octavia smirked as she extended Anya her hand. Lincoln flushed. Probably scared of Anya’s retaliation._

_Anya let Octavia’s hand stay suspended for a moment before grasping it. Lexa knew from the smirk on her face that Anya decided she liked Octavia. Girl seemed like a fire cracker. She opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by a pretty dark haired girl who seemed to appear from nowhere._

_“Well, that sounds like a fascinating story and I can’t wait to hear it. Hi I’m Raven. Octavia’s best and most attractive friend.” The girl said as she offered Anya her hand and a smile. Amusement flitted across Anya’s face and she took the girl hand and shook it._

_“Lexa, Anya, Lincoln, this is Raven. Who promised not to hit on Anya of Lincoln’s friends” Octavia said with a frown toward Raven. Raven responded with a look that screamed ‘bite me.’_

_“Hey little sis!” The deep voice intruded into the conversation. Turning her head Lexa saw a tall man with shaggy hair making his way over. Lexa may be gay but she could tell when a dude was attractive and with his dimples and shiny white smile this man was very attractive. However the person who most intrigued Lexa was the blonde girl following him. Blue eyes. A purposeful strut.  Classically beautiful face. Lexa slipped a flirty smile on as the girl approached. Lexa found her hook up for the night._

***

The girl moaned into Clarke’s neck as her body spasmed around her Clarke’s fingers. There was intense satisfaction in getting a girl to moan like that. To hear their sounds of pleasure as they press against you. It had been too long since Clarke had been with a girl. Too long since she had kissed their soft lips or felt their soft skin. Soft and smooth where men were rough and hairy.

Clarke continued to kiss the girl, Lexa, clarked remembered. She kissed Lexa’s throat as Lexa came down from the pleasure plateau. The girl’s labored breathing slowed and Clarke found herself spun around and shoved against the door. Lexa grasped the edges of Clarke’s shirt before pulling it off her body in a practiced movement. Skilled fingers undid the clasp to her bra and Clarke was soon topless. Clarke’s hands tangled in curly brown hair as she an eager tongue painted a trail down her torso.  Hands quickly tugged down her pants as Clarke’s head fell back pleasure. Yes, girls were definitely better at this. And the girl eating her out right now was incredible at it. Touching and stroking in way that was maddening, but not enough to send her over the edge. Clarke sensed she wouldn’t be granted her release until Lexa allowed it.

This was so unlike her. Hooking up with someone she just met. A stranger really. In a bathroom. But with the girl’s head between her legs Clarke didn’t care. Finn was right. Sex with strangers was fun.

45 minutes earlier:

_“We can see you, you know?”_

_Clarke tore her eyes away from beautiful brunette when she heard Octavia’s voice. Clarke and Bellamy had arrived at the get together about ten minutes ago. Lincoln had introduced her to the brunette, Lexa was her name, but afterwards Jasper, Monty, and some more of Lincoln’s friends had arrived. So Clarke had spent the last 10 minutes glancing at the brunette as they each chatted with friends._

_“Excuse me?” Clarke responded. Her head turning to look at Octavia._

_“We can see you staring at her, Clarke. You’re not being subtle. Neither of you are being subtle really.” Octavia said as she glanced back over at Lexa who didn’t feel the need to avert her eyes as Clarke met her gaze._

_“Maybe I’m not trying to be subtle.” Clarke responded. Her eyes still locked on green._

_“Look Clarke, I know that Finn has messed with your head a bit. But, that doesn’t mean you need to run into another relationship just because Lexa’s hot.” Octavia said. Her eyes softening as she gazed at her friend._

_“I’m not looking for a relationship O. Maybe just a little fun.” Octavia sighed and put her hand on Clarke’s arm._

_“Listen Clarke, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but you might want to avoid Lexa, at least romantically and physically. Lexa’s a total player. She cruises bars and picks up women. Not that I’m judging her for doing that but you are in an emotional place right now Clarke. I mean with asshat Finn and everything, I don’t want you to do something rash.” Octavia said._

_“I’m fine Octavia.”_

_“Clarke, I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. You’re only in New York for the weekend, you leave tomorrow  and…and I just want……” Clarke cut her off._

_“Look O, I appreciate the concern but I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.” Clarke responded. Right now she didn’t really care about anything Lexa’s history. She just cared that Lexa was now walking toward her. A cocky strut in her step. One look in Lexa’s hooded green eyes and Clarke knew what she wanted._

_***_

The blonde screamed. Much to Lexa’s satisfaction. Lexa had touched and teased and when she finally allowed the blonde to come undone she was surprised her hear a sharp scream erupt from her. She kissed her way back up the girl torso until pressing their lips together again. Loving the feel of the warm body pressed against her.  

This was usually the part where Lexa said goodbye. Put her cloths back on and left. Leaving both of them satisfied with no further need of contact. But Lexa didn’t want to walk away. So instead she bent down and picked up the blonde’s cloths.

“So you’re Octavia’s friend right?” Lexa asked as she handed the blonde her bra.

“Yeah, I’m Clarke.” The girl, Clarke, responded as she slipped her bra back on and reached for her shirt.

“I’m Lexa. Friend of Lincoln’s. Would you want to come back to my place?” Lexa asked. Punctuating the question with fiery kiss to Clarke’s lips.

“Sorry but I’ve got a plane to catch tomorrow morning. I’m was only hear the weekend. I live in Boston. Not New York.” Clarke responded as she slipped on her shirt.

The news that Clarke didn’t live in New York hit Lexa a lot harder than she expected. It should have been perfect. A hook up who was only in for a weekend and lived in another state. No reason to ever see her again. No reason to get attached. No reason to care.

But curiously, Lexa felt her heart drop at the news.

“Oh, of course. Well, I’m sure I’ll see you at Linc’s wedding.” Lexa responded. Hoping her tone didn’t sound as disappointed as she felt.

“I’m sure we will. Anyways, thanks. It was really fun. I’ll see you.” Clarke said as she opened the bathroom door and slide out. Leaving Lexa alone.

After a few minutes to compose herself, Lexa left the bathroom and walked back out toward the bar. It had gotten late and most of the patrons where now gone. Among the few remaining Lexa saw Anya sitting in a booth and chatting with a dark haired girl Lexa recognized from earlier. Clarke was nowhere to be seen.

“Hey, wasn’t expecting you to still be here.” Lexa said as she approached them.

“Hey, Lex. If you’re looking for Clarke she just walked out.” Anya said as Lexa slide into the booth next to her.

“I know.” She looked back at the dark haired girl and continued, “I’m Lexa, I think we kind of met earlier.” She offered the girl her hand.

“Raven. I hope you forgive me but I’m not sure I want to shake your hand right now.” Raven replied with a smirk. Lexa felt a blush spread across her face.

“Hey, no need to feel embarrassed. We saw you two sneak away to the bathroom. And I should thank you. Clarke needed a good hook up if she was gonna move on after Finn. And I’m sure you gave her a good one.” Raven laughed.

So Lexa was just a rebound hook up. A hook up to get past some dude named Finn. It didn’t make anything sense but Lexa felt disappointed. And even a bit cheated. Which was hypocritical. She hooked up with women and expected and wanted nothing beyond a bit of fun. Gave them a bit of fun. Then they went separate ways with nothing else expected. Lexa pushed the feeling of disappointment away. This wasn’t going to happen again. It couldn’t. She wouldn’t let it.

***

Clarke knocked on Octavia’s door. A bit harder than she actually needed too really. Without giving Octavia time to come to the door she knocked again. A second later the door swung open.

“Clarke? I thought you were with Lexa?” Octavia exclaimed as she opened the door. Her face betraying her surprise at seeing her friend.

“I was. But now I’m here.” Clarke responded. Hoping Octavia wouldn’t ask any questions. Luck was not on her side.

“Then why are you here? Why aren’t you with her getting your brains fucked out?” Octavia asked without any delicacy. Her eyes studying Clarke’s face.

“Weren’t you warning me away from her a few hours ago?” Clarke pushed past Octavia and into her apartment. She walked into the living room and fell face first into the couch. She felt exhausted. An hour ago she was having wildly hot sex with a stranger and her body hummed with life for those few minutes. Now she just felt tired. Basically how she felt since the incident with Finn.

“Do you want to talk about it, Clarke?” Octavia asked.

“We hooked up. It was good. I leave tomorrow. Nothing to talk about.” Clarke muttered.

“Do you like her?” Octavia pressed.

“No. She’s a player. We barely spoke. We live in different states. So No.” Clarke said and earnestly tried to mean.

“Ok, good. Wake me up at 8 and I’ll drive you to the airport in morning. And Clarke…..”

“Yeah….”

“I just don’t want you do go through another Finn situation. You know that right?” Octavia asked.

Clarke sighed. “I know.”

***

 

“What the hell Indra? You said the meeting wasn’t until Friday. My flight isn’t until Thursday night.”

“The owner wanted the meeting moved.” Indra said.

“I bet it’s that ass of man Cage.” Lexa muttered more to herself than to Indra.

“I can get you a flight to Boston in 3 hours. But it’s not first class.” Indra replied.

“I don’t care. Book it.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Indra replied before hanging up.

Cage owned and managed a large string of restaurants in the North East United States. The kind of restaurants where an entrée costs 100$ but the portion size couldn’t feed a kitten. Lexa and her company had been supplying him with beer and other beverages for the restaurants since she started the Grounder’s ale company. After graduating from Kenan-Flager business school she took the sizable inheritance her Mother had left her and bought a few micro brewers in the Eastern United States. Her uncle Gustus knew the art of beer crafting and was in charge of the breweries themselves. Her mother had known Dante Wallace, Cage’s father and he had been her first big sale. Soon more people with more money where drinking Grounder ale and Lexa was getting more and more clients. So while she owed almost everything to Cage’s father, she couldn’t help but hate his son.

The man was insufferable. Self-Righteous and under the delusion that sun shines out of his ass. Now she had to fly out to meet him and go over new contracts. Meaning that Anya had to come as she was Lexa’s chief legal advisor. Meaning Indra needed to buy her a ticket. Pulling out her phone she called Indra.

“Anya needs a ticket to NYC too.” Lexa said as she skipped a greeting.

“Already done. You flight out in 3 hours. Anya had been notified and will meet you at the airport. The tickets are under your name.” Indra said. Lexa breathed a sigh of relief as she remembered once again how lucky she was to have Indra.

“Thank you Indra.” Lexa replied before hanging up again.

The next hour was chaotic as Lexa rushed to her apartment to pack a quick carry on to take to Boston. She emailed Anya a copy of the new contract and then called Lincoln to say she couldn’t make to dinner with him, Octavia, and Raven tonight. It had been 3 months since the announcement of their engagement and they were finally starting to organize everything for a wedding. Tonight a group of them was to meet for dinner and start to plan the wedding.

Lincoln and Octavia would not be pleased. Anya really wouldn’t be pleased. Lexa was avoiding calling her because she knew that Anya was excited to have an excuse to speak with Raven again. The night Raven and Anya met they had stayed in the bar and talked until last call. Anya wanted an excuse to see Raven again and this just ruined it.

However Lexa’s paramour of the night was in the city they were flying too. Clarke. Lexa had thought about her more than she wanted to admit. She would go to a bar on Friday night and a flash of blonde hair would excite her. Not that it made rational sense. But it wasn’t exactly something Lexa could stop.

***

Clarke nearly gagged at the horribly bitter taste of the coffee. She ripped open some sugar packets and poured some creamer into the cup. As a 4th year medical school student roughly 75% of Clarke was now coffee or some other form of caffeine. Sitting back down at her table next to her stack of books and she continued studying.

She was soon interrupted by her phone vibrating. A picture of Octavia flashed on the screen. Picking up her phone she walk over toward the less crowded area of café so she could talk without distributing anyone.

“What’s up, O?”

“Hey Griffin. So you know how Lincoln and I were meeting with everyone to plan the wedding. Right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“So turns out we had to cancel. Anya, Raven’s current crush and Lincoln’s genderbending choice of a best man, along with Lexa, who you know a lot better than I, had to jet off on some emergency and can’t make it. They actually had to jet off to Boston funnily enough.” Octavia replied. A tone of annoyance mixed with disappointment in her voice.

“I’m sorry, O. I know you wanted to start planning and everything.”

“Yeah, I understand I guess. Anyways Griffin, I want to make sure you’re gonna come back to New York for Christmas. I know you’ve got to miss Thanksgiving next month but you’re coming back for Christmas right?” Octavia asked.

“As long as you let me stay with you I’ll be there.” Clarke replied.

“You can always stay with me Clarke. But I know your mom would love to have you stay with her.” Octavia said softly. Clarke sighed. Holidays meant Octavia and Bellamy pushing Clarke to see her mom.

“I don’t know, Octavia. Maybe.”

“It’s been four years Clarke. She misses you.”

“I miss her too.” Clarke sighed. Saying the words so softly that Octavia couldn’t hear them.

***

“I’m sorry Mr. Wallace but we cannot do that. We can stick the previously agreed on price. But we will not go lower.” Lexa stated. Her jaw clenched and her back rigidly straight. The last 10 minutes had just confirmed what Lexa and somehow already knew. That Cage Wallace was one of worst people on the planet. Cage rolled his eyes at her and tilted back in his chair like this was a waste of his time rather than a multi-thousand dollar deal.

“Listen Alexandria….” Cage began.

“Ms. Woods.” Lexa interrupted.

“Fine. Listen Ms. Woods, this is what we can offer you. I’m not going above these numbers. It’s a fair offer.” Cage replied. His hand slammed on the desk and his chest puffed up as if to intimidate her. Lexa could see Anya visibly tense as the man spoke. Not in fear but annoyance. Lexa looked at Cage’s associate Emerson who sat stiffly and had barely added to the conversation. She then met Anya’s eyes and she understood the look in them.

“Fine. I can see we won’t come to a compromise. Anya lets go.” Lexa stood up from her chair abruptly. She hated men like this. They didn’t take her and Anya seriously because they were women. They thought they could puff out their chest and bully them into less than fair deal. So Lexa stood up and turned around.

“Wait, Ms. Woods you’re making a mistake!” Cage said as he straightened up in his chair and looked directly at her. Lexa turned sharply and slammed her hand on the table. The sound reverberating through the room.

“No. You are making mistake. I know that Grounder Ale is your bestselling drink in your restaurants. I also know that right now your restaurants are the only ones that sell Grounder Ale in Boston and Chicago. I also know that with one call to Thelonious Jaha and I can sell grounder Ale to him and he will be the only one sell grounder ale in those cities. Which would really affect your bottom line as you like to advertise as the only carrier in those cities. Now if you want to continue doing business, we will agree to the price of the previous contract. If not, we will leave. And the contract will break.” Lexa stated. Her voice clear and strong.

Cage’s lips curled and his face contoured in look of rage. Lexa was half convinced he would refuse until Emerson stood up.

“We’ll take it.” He said as he extended his hand to Lexa. Lexa smirked at Cage before taking the offered hand.

“Wonderful. If you’ll just sign the contract we’ll be on our way.” Anya said as she shook Emerson’s hand. Placing the contract on the table in front of cage, Emerson than handed Cage a pen. Cage reluctantly signed and Emerson followed. Cage looking like a petulant child the entire time. His lips snarled in contempt.  Anya reviewed the signatures and nodded to Lexa when she was satisfied.

Lexa smiled and said, “I wish I could say it’s been a pleasure.” She picked up the contract, Offered Cage and Wallace one last fake smile and turned to follow Anya out of the conference room.

“Fuckin Dykes.” Cage muttered as she rounded the corner to leave the conference room. Lexa froze and her fist clenched. Anya turned and met Lexa’s eyes. Lexa knew the look. She’d seen it before. In bars where drunk men got too familiar and didn’t understand the word no.

Grabbing Anya’s arm she practically shoved Anya down the hall. Forcing her forward. If Anya stayed she’d do something Cage deserved but that security probably wouldn’t approve of. So she gritted her teeth and pushed Anya down the hallway.

“It’s not worth it Anya. We’ve got the contract. Let’s go.” Lexa said as she pulled Anya into the elevator. Not giving Anya anytime to resist. Once the door closed she let go of Anya whose fists were still clenched.

“I hate that man. One day I’m gonna shove his head up his ass.” Anya said as she let out a breath. Lexa didn’t respond. She just let Anya cool off.

***

Clarke propped her feet up on her coffee table before flipping on the TV. She had been to campus, studied, and now she deserved a few hours of Netflix. Not 15 minutes in to a Jessica Jones episode her phone rang and Lincoln’s name flashed on the screen.

“Lincoln?”

“Clarke. Hey so you remember my friends Lexa and Anya from a few months ago?” He asked. Clarke blushed a little remembering how well she knew Lexa.

“Yeah, I remember them.” Clarke responded.

“Great. So they’re both in Boston right now. Business thing, anyway I was going to give Lex’s or Anya’s your number. Octavia and I really want us all to be friends. So we were thinking you three could go out to dinner or something tonight. If you don’t have any plans that is.” Lincoln said.

“Yeah, ummm. That sounds like a plan. I’d love to go out to dinner with them. You know what, just give one of their numbers and I’ll text them. See if their up for it.” Clarke responded. It wouldn’t necessarily be bad to see Lexa and Anya again. She doubted Lexa was one of those girls who be awkward just because they had hooked up. She owed it to Octavia and Lincoln really. She loved them and she should get to know Lincoln’s friends.

“Awesome. So I just share their contacts with you.” Lincoln said.

“Great thanks Lincoln.”

“Alright, I’ll let you go. Oh and Clarke?”

“We’re really glad that you’re coming back for Christmas,” Lincoln said.  Clarke sighed. Lincoln was such a sweet guy.

“Me too Lincoln. Bye.”

She hung up and turned back TV screen and waited for Lincoln to share their contacts. A few minutes later and Lincoln sent her a text with the numbers of Anya Grant and Lexa Woods. Considering she had barely been introduced to Anya, and at least she and Lexa had exchanged more than a few sentences, she sent Lexa a quick text.

***

XXX-XXX-XXXX:                 Hey Lexa, this is Clarke, Octavia’s friend. Lincoln told

                                            me you were in Boston tonight and though you, Anya,

                                            and I could get dinner?

 

Lexa reread the text again. And then again. She wanted to see Clarke again. Even if it was for a friendly dinner. She liked the girl. The blue eyes and blond hair. The loud unabashed vocality she had while intimate. Her confident strut. Yes. Lexa wanted to know her better. Another part of her, the rational part, screamed to stay away from Clarke. She couldn’t afford the possibility of an attachment. The last one nearly broke her.

“Anya, you remember Clarke for meeting with Octavia’s friends a few months ago?” Lexa asked. They were sitting in cab and heading back to the hotel to from the meeting with Wallace.

“I remember watching you follow her to the bathroom like a puppy.” Anya smirked. Lexa rolled her eyes.

“Anyways, Lincoln told her we were on Boston and wants us to have dinner with her.” Lexa replied. Ignoring Anya’s remark.

“Sounds like fun. You should do it.”

“I should do it?” Lexa questioned.

“Yeah, because I’m catching a flight back to New York in 3 hours and I am leaving for the airport as soon as we get back to the hotel room.” Anya replied as she fiddled with her phone.

“You’re flying back? Tonight?”

“Yep, Grounder Ale is not the only business I represent and I have a meeting tomorrow.” Anya replied. Still typing away at her phone. When Lexa didn’t respond Anya looked up and saw Lexa gazing down on her phone screen.

“Text blondie back. Tell her it’s just the two of you.” Anya said.

 

Lexa:                          Hey, Clarke. Anya is actually leaving tonight for NYC. So

                                    it would just be me. If that’s ok with you?

 

Clarke texted back a few minutes later.

Clarke:                     That’s fine with me if its fine with you?

Lexa:                        Definitely. Where do you want to meet? What time?

Lexa typed the message and sent it off. A small feeling of anticipation swirled in the stomach. Dinner. With Clarke. Not really a date but two people getting to know each other. Learning more about each other. Normally, if Lexa had a night alone in a city she would order room service at the hotel and then go to gay bar in the city later that night. Then she’d find a girl for the night.

Lexa never took girls home and to her bed. They didn’t belong there. So she usually ended up hooking up in the bathroom or sometimes going back to the girl’s place. But she never spent the night. She usually let the girl fall asleep than slipped out. She didn’t want a morning after. Didn’t need the awkwardness of it. So she would slip out, go home, and fall asleep. Alone in their bed.

But tonight Lexa was excited for a dinner with Clarke. It would be good get to know Octavia’s friend better and maybe make a new one of her own.

“So where is she taking you?” Anya asked as they entered the elevator to go up to their hotel room.

“Don’t know yet she hasn’t texted back.” Lexa replied.

“Maybe she’ll take you somewhere nice. Somewhere romantic. Some place that screams she wants to bang you again.” Anya laughed. Lexa gave her rough push before seeing that Clarke had replied.

 

Clarke:                Why don’t you just come to my place? 8pm?

 

“So where is she taking you?” Anya asked as they walked into their hotel room.

“It’s not a date Anya.” Lexa replied in an attempt to deflect the question.

“Much to your disappointment.” Anya laughed as she went into the restroom and shut the door behind her. Lexa took a minute to compose herself. Just because a girl invited you to her apartment didn’t mean she expected anything. Clarke could be an amazing cook or know of a great take out place. After all this was still just dinner.

***

Clarke looked in the mirror and ran her hand through her hair. Lexa would be here any moment. When Lexa had told her Anya couldn’t come to dinner, Clarke had invited Lexa to her apartment. Clarke wished she could say it was a rash decision but she spent almost 20 minutes thinking it through. She liked Lexa. Liked her mouth. Liked her lips. Her body. Her talented fingers. Their hook up in bathroom had been some of, if not the best sex of her life.

So Clarke invited Lexa to her apartment. It was basically a booty call, if Clarke was honest. Since Finn, Clarke hadn’t been out with anyone on a date or anything like that. She didn’t really want to worry about a romantic relationship right now. Too much trouble. Too much risk. Too little reward.

Lexa, a confirmed player who lived in a different city, seemed like the perfect person to fulfill some physical needs. Lexa liked sex without romantic attachment. Clarke wanted sex with no romantic attachment. Lexa was hot. Clarke was hot. It was perfect.

A knock on the door pulled Clarke away from her thoughts. She checked her reflection one more time and went to the door. Pulling it open she was greeting with green eyes and curly brown hair. Clarke had forgotten the how pretty Lexa was. The strong jaw line with full lips and an intense gaze.

“Hey, so I brought a bottle of wine. Meiomi Pino.” Lexa offered as she walked through the door. Clarke’s eyes looking her body up and down.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Clarke replied as took the bottle from Lexa’s hands. Lexa started to shrug off her jacket while Clarke placed the bottle of wine on the counter. Her gaze still on Lexa.

“It’d be impolite to come without a hostess gift.” Lexa replied. Clarke actually snorted at the nonchalant way Lexa said that. Lexa dropped her coat on the arm of the couch and looked up at Clarke. Their eyes met and Lexa gave Clarke a flirty smile. Clarke returned the smile and walked toward Lexa.

When she was close enough she put her arms around Lexa’s neck and pressed their lips together. Lexa responded immediately. Her hands going to Clarke’s waist as she nipped at Clarke’s bottom lip. Clarke moaned before pushing Lexa back into the couch and straddling her hips.

This was what Clarke wanted. Mindless sex. No romantic attachment. She didn’t need that. Didn’t want it. Finding out Finn had been a cheating again almost broke her. She had forgiven him for the first time. They had broken up at first. For a while actually. She had moved to Boston to start Med School and hadn’t seen Finn for almost 2 years. Then he showed up. Saying he still loved her and begging her to take him back. And she had. She had left her friends and family in New York and hadn’t managed to make many close friends in Boston. Finn was familiar. He reminded of her home and he could be so sweet at times.

They were together for 9 months the second time. Until Clarke found out he cheated on her again. She kicked him out. Broke up with him. And then cried for around a month. She wanted to go back home to New York. To see Octavia, Bellamy, Raven. Her mom. But Clarke was stubborn. She had come to Boston to as a means of escape and to go to medical school. She would never tell Octavia that she hated Boston. She would never tell Bellamy it had been a mistake to move. She would never tell Raven she missed her mom. So Clarke stayed. She gritted her teeth and continued to study. Now she had around 6 months left before her residency began. A residency that might take her back to New York and away from Boston. New York. The same place where her best friends lived. The place her mother lived. The place Lexa lived.

However right now Lexa was very much in Boston and in Clarke’s apartment and in the process of taking off Clarke’s shirt. She dropped it to the floor before leaning in and kissing Clarke’s pulse point. Her hands slipping up Clarke’s back until they found the clasp of her bra.

Clarke let her take it off but before Lexa could give any attention to the newly exposed skin Clarke stood up and moved off her lap. Lexa tried to follow but a soft push at her shoulders and she sat back down on the couch. A look of confusion fluttered across Lexa’s face but was soon replaced with a look of want as Clarke unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down her legs. Taking her underwear with them. Lexa’s eyes darkened as they roamed Clarke’s body.

The already intense heat in Clarke’s belly flared under Lexa’s lustful gaze. Returned to straddle Lexa’s hips she aggressive kissed Lexa’s parted lips. Pushing her tongue into the other girl’s mouth. Lexa moaned and her hands went to Clarke’s body. Tracing the curves and swells with her finger tips. Went Lexa’s hand slipped up Clarke’s ribcage and onto her breast Clarke gasped. Her body hummed with desire and despite all of Lexa’s exploration, her hands had yet to make it where Clarke wanted her most.

She tugged Lexa’s hand off her breast and placed it between her thighs. 

***

Lexa snuggled deeper into the warmth. Tightening her arms around Costia’s body. This was one of the best parts of their relationship. Holding Costia made Lexa feel like the world around them dissolved around them. Like problems disappeared and stress evaporated. She felt safe and loved. Contented in way she couldn’t adequately describe.

Without opening her eyes she buried her head into Costia’s neck and started stroking Costia’s stomach. The pads of her fingers brushing from the undersides of her breasts to edge of her hip. She smiled into Costia’s neck when she felt her begin to stir. She felt her warm body turn in her arms before a small kiss was placed on her lips. Lexa practically purred in contentment. She opened her eyes to meet Costia’s but her gaze met blue. Not brown.

Jumping up from the bed, Lexa scrambled away from the girl. Tangling her legs in the sheets, she ungracefully fell off the edge of the bed and onto the floor. Frantically she clutched the sheets to her chest and retreated backwards until her back hit a wall.

Her chest felt tight. Her vision seemed spotty. The air itself was suffocating, like the world was collapsing in on her. She couldn’t get enough oxygen. She couldn’t remember how to breathe. She clutched at her chest. Desperately trying to get some air. Who was the girl? Where was Costia? Lexa’s mind felt overloaded. She couldn’t breathe. She didn’t know where she was. Her chest hurt. Burned even. And Lexa couldn’t catch her breathe.

Suddenly the girl appeared again. The girl that was not Costia. She came toward Lexa and she was holding a paper bag. She tried to put one hand on Lexa’s back and held the bag to Lexa’s mouth.

Lexa scrambled away when she got to close. Confusion mixed with fear. Where was Costia? Who was this girl? Why couldn’t she catch her breath?

The girl approached her again. This time slower. She stayed at an arms distance and held the bag out to Lexa who was still struggling for breathe. Her blue eyes gazing at Lexa and full of concern.

 Lexa knew those eyes.

She took the bag and placed it over her mouth. Breathing rhythmically into it as she tried to calm herself down. Gradually her heartbeat began to slow and her breathing returned to normal. It took around 15 minutes of Lexa breathing into the bag but eventually she felt her tense body relax.

The girl, Clarke as Lexa could now remember, stayed with her the entire time. She sat with her legs crossed about 3 feet from Lexa. Never drawing closer or saying anything. Just looking at her with a gaze that seemed to try to tell Lexa she was safe.

Lexa eventually lowered the bag from her mouth. Her eyes went downcast too as she no longer wanted to meet Clarke’s gaze. As the tension left her body embarrassment came flooding in. She was in Boston. In Clarke’s apartment.

Costia was dead.

“Are you ok, Lexa?” Clarke asked in a soft voice. Her concerned eyes searching Lexa’s face. Lexa felt foolish. She was clutching a sheet to her naked body, after having what she now realized was a panic attack. She felt so vulnerable. So humiliated.

“I’m fine.” Lexa replied. Not meeting Clarke’s gaze.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine.” Lexa repeated coldly. Clarke hesitated. Studying Lexa as if deciding whether or not to believe her.

“Ok. I’m gonna put a shirt on and then make some coffee. I’ll be in the kitchen if you want some?” Clarke asked as she stood. Lexa realized that Clarke had forgone clothes due to concern for Lexa during her panic. Lexa felt even more embarrassment flood her. She must have looked like a disaster if Clarke decided to forgo a shirt.

Clarke quickly slipped on a shirt and some panties before walking in the direction of the kitchen. As soon as Clarke left the room Lexa stood up and began to gather her clothes. Thankful that while Clarke undressed in the living room, Lexa had kept the majority of her clothing on until Clarke led her to the bedroom.

She easily found her pants on the floor next to her bed. Her shirt was near the door and her bra was hanging precariously from a dresser next to a stack of medical text books. Still missing her underwear she continued to search the room. On a desk was picture of Clarke and older man. Clarke’s father, Lexa guessed. Smiles on both their faces and happiness radiating from them. Lexa didn’t see a picture of Clarke’s mom. Locating her panties under the bed she quickly decided to forgo them and instead just put on her jeans and stuffed them into the pocket.

“Lexa, coffee’s almost ready if you do decide you want some!” Clarke called from the kitchen. Now fully clothed Lexa felt a bit stronger and ready to go out and face Clarke. Well, strong enough to say goodbye and walk out the door. Holding her head high she walked into the kitchen. Clarke greeted her with a soft smile and handed her a cup of coffee.

“I have some sugar and cream if you want.” Clarke said. Lexa cringed at the pity in Clarke’s voice.

“No thanks. I have a plane to catch.” Lexa said as she set the coffee down. Clarke’s brow furrowed but Lexa walked past her and into the living room. She picked up her bag and coat and turned to find that Clarke had followed her.

“Do you want a ride to the airport?” Clarke asked.

“No thanks. I need to go by my hotel first.” Lexa responded. Hoping Clarke wouldn’t push.

“We could drop by your hotel.” Clarke offered.

“I’ve already taken up enough of your time. I’ll take a cab. But thank you.” Lexa responded. She hated this. The tense overly polite dialogue. The fragile way Clarke was now treating her. Like she could break at any moment.

“It’s not a big deal. I would….” Clarke began again. Lexa cut her off.

“Look Clarke. Thank you for the offer and everything else but I should go.” Lexa said stiffly. She brushed past Clarke and toward the door. Lexa didn’t wait for a response as she walked out. Leaving Clarke alone in her apartment.

***

Dropping the remote to the cushion Clarke mindlessly watched another episode of _Friends_. She had done little else since Lexa had left her apartment a few hours ago. Really Lexa had run away from her apartment. Clarke reached for her phone for what seemed like hundredth time in the hour. She wanted to call Lincoln and tell him what had happened. She wanted to know if Lexa was ok.

When Clarke had woke up to Lexa snuggling into her and softy stroking her belly it had seemed like a dream. She was warm and safe. A beautiful girl was holding her. It all felt so natural. Clarke might not want to a messy romantic relationship but that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy a pleasurable morning after. So Clarke turned in Lexa’s arms to face Lexa, whose eyes where still shut but a small smile graced her lips. Clarke gently pressed their lips together for a few seconds right before things went wrong.

Lexa countenance changed the minute she opened her eyes and looked at Clarke. A contented smile transformed into a look of pure alarm. Her eyes going wide and her brow furrowing in surprise. Like she didn’t recognize Clarke. Lexa looked terrified as she frantically retreated away from Clarke. Her legs tangling in the sheets and she fell to the floor just to move until her back was against the wall. Her face contoured in confusion and fright. She didn’t seem to recognize Clarke.

Then Lexa couldn’t seem to breathe. The girl started clutching at her chest as her breathe became ragged and labored. Clarke could see the pure fear in Lexa’s eyes as she struggled for oxygen. Clarke immediately recognized the panic attach and rushed to get a paper bag from the kitchen. Bringing back into the room she tried to go to Lexa help and comfort her but Lexa had scurried away like a frightened child. Clutching at her heaving chest as she tried to get away from Clarke.

Alarmed at Lexa’s reaction Clarke backed away trying to give her space. But Lexa needed the bag so she stayed as far away as possible before holding the bag out on her extended hand. Lexa managed to look at her. Their eyes making contact despite the fact Lexa was gasping for breath. Clarke tried to wordlessly indicate that she wasn’t trying to hurt her. That Lexa was safe. That everything would be ok.

After a moment Lexa seemed to understand as she took the offered bag and started to breathe into. Slowly Lexa seemed to return to the present as her breathing began become regular. She clutched at the paper bag with her knees drawn to her chest for around 10 minutes before she seemed to finally be okay. During that time the fear dissipated from Lexa’s eyes. Only to be replaced with what Clarke’s could only describe as sadness.

Clarke wanted to reach out and hold her hand or put her arm around her but she was afraid of Lexa’s reaction. So she settled with a question.

“Are you ok, Lexa?” Clarke asked.

“I’m fine.” Lexa replied curtly. Her eyes not meeting Clarke as she wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them toward her. Clarke hazarded another question.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine.” Lexa repeated. Obviously not wanting to share. Lexa seemed like a proud women. A women who held herself with confidence and composure. A women who wouldn’t enjoy anyone seeing her as distraught as she was earlier. Clarke decided not to push. The only relationship Clarke and Lexa really had was physical. Clarke didn’t have the right to pry.

“Ok. I’m gonna put shirt on and then make some coffee. I’ll be in the kitchen if you want some.” Clarke said before slipping on some underwear and large T-shirt and heading to the kitchen. She walked in the kitchen and flipped on the coffee maker and debated whether she should call Lincoln. A large part of her was worried about Lexa and she wanted to talk to Lincoln to see if he knew what was going on.

She decided against it though. Not feeling she had the right to ask about something so personal. So waited in the kitchen as Lexa gathered herself in room. She called to Lexa when the coffee was ready and soon Lexa emerged with her clothes on and emotionless mask on her face.

 Clarke offered her coffee. Lexa declined. Clarke offered her a drive to the airport. Lexa declined. Clarke offered to drive her to her hotel first. Lexa declined. Again.

Lexa just gathered her things. Refused to meet Clarke’s gaze. And walked out the door.

Now Clarke was sitting on her couch pretending to watch Netflix. Internally debating of she should call Lincoln. Or maybe she could call Octavia. Or even Anya. Her phone beeping interrupted her thoughts. She had a text.

 

Lexa:                         I’m sorry if I scared you this morning.

Clarke:                      I just want to be sure you’re ok.

Lexa:                         I promise I’m fine. Please just don’t tell anyone what happened.

 

Clarke wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Not sure if she should tell Lexa’s friends about incident. Not sure what they would do about it. Not sure if they could do anything about. Her phone went off again.

 

Lexa:                        Please.

                

Clarke sighed. She couldn’t do that to Lexa. It wasn’t her place to say anything. Lexa would need to take that step on her own. Clarke would keep this secret for her.

Clarke:                    I won’t tell anyone.

Clarke:                    I promise.

Lexa:                       Thank you.

 

***

“I’m so happy you guys set a date.” Maya exclaimed as she threw her arms around Octavia. Lincoln and Octavia were too get married august 8th. They had just selected a location a few days ago and as the night went on more and more people were asking about it. Word travels fast and right now it was the talk of the Christmas party.

It was a few days before Christmas and Lexa’s company was coming to the close of a great year. Last week she had just made a sale to a restaurant owner in Canada so she could finally call Grounder Ale an international company. Now she felt like celebrating and this was the perfect place. This Christmas party was the company Christmas party of a string of gyms Lincoln owned. As such it was crawling with beautiful women.

“I’m going to go hit up bar.” She told Anya. Anya smirked than turned back to her conversation with Maya and Octavia. Lexa made her way over the bar and ordered a scotch on the rocks. Turning her back to the bar she leaned against it as she surveyed the room. Quickly locating a cute brunette sitting alone a bit down the bar.

“So how do you know Lincoln?” Lexa said as she slide onto the stool next to the brunette and gave her a flirty smile.

“Lincoln? He’s the owner right?” The girl replied. Amusement in her eyes.

“Yeah. Owns and manages all Trikru gyms. So what do you do…….” Lexa asked. It wasn’t really an original line but it worked more often than not. Before the brunette could respond a redhead came up behind her slipped an arm around her waist.

“Harper. Her name’s Harper. And I’m her girlfriend Monroe.” The redhead extended her hand toward Lexa. Before Lexa could shake her hand a familiar face appeared right after Monroe.

“And Harper works at the hospital.”

“Clarke?” Lexa said in shock. Not really believing the Clarke was actually in front of her. In New York. And not Boston. She remembered the last time she had seen Clarke. She had practically run out of her apartment after having a panic attack in Clarke’s bedroom. Lexa knew she was eventually see Clarke again. A large part of her wanted too. Wanted to get to know her. Wanted to ask her about the books on the dresser. The photo on her desk. Maybe even ask her on actual date.

Lexa knew she never would though. Clarke had seen in a vulnerable state. A weak state. Clarke would never really want her after seeing that.

“Hey Lexa. It’s good to see you.” Clarke offered a friendly smile.

“So, what are you doing in New York?” Lexa asked. Returning Clarke’s smile.

***

“Visiting for Christmas. Staying with Octavia so she and Lincoln invited me to the party.” Clarke explained.

Clarke knew there was a possibility she would run into Lexa. Clarke was glad to see her. It had been two months since Lexa had left her apartment and Clarke couldn’t help but worry about her. Seeing her, Lexa seemed fine. In a leather jacket and skinny jeans she looked good. Dark eyeliner accentuated her green eyes and her curly hair was half pulled back in braids. Lexa certainly looked good. And considering Clarke and Monroe had just interrupted Lexa’s attempt to pick Harper, Lexa seemed well enough to find a girl and hook up with her.

To be honest Clarke wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Walking in and seeing Lexa flirting with another girl had irked her. Bothering her in a way she didn’t really want or understand.

“So how long are you in town for?” Lexa asked. Clarke almost cringed about at the politeness of it.

“Through New Year’s.” When Clarke looked up and saw Raven she continued, “Oh so I just spotted Raven and I need to go say hi to her. It was nice to see you Lexa.” Clarke finished. She couldn’t stand much more of this boring overly polite dialogue. She felt that they had moved past that. Obviously, Lexa didn’t feel the same.

Lexa’s brow furrowed for a moment but she soon recovered. “It was nice to see you too, Clarke.”

Turning her back on Lexa, Clarke walked over to Raven who was chatting Anya. For a while Clarke just sat and listened to the conversation. Struggling not to watch Lexa flirt with another girl at the bar across the room. When the girls started talking about their jobs they caught Clarke’s attention.

“As a cooperate attorney I represent businesses legally and read contracts and do a bunch of other boring shit. I actually represent both Lincoln’s and Lexa’s businesses.” Anya said.

“Lexa’s business?” Clarke asked. Realizing how little she actually knew about Lexa.

“Yeah, she owns Grounder Ale. They make expensive pretentious beer and other drinks that rich people like to drink. She supplies mostly to fancy restaurants and country clubs. And we actually just hashed out her first contract in Canada.” Anya replied.

“So she’s young and successful.” Clarke muttered. More to herself than to anyone else.

“Yeah, she’s young but brilliant. She started the company right out of business school with some money her parent’s left her. Lexa is nothing if not ambitious. Of course I think a lot of that came from constantly wanting to impress Costia. Not that Lexa would actually admit that.” Anya replied.

“Costia?” Clarke asked. Her eyes studying Anya’s face which immediately tensed. As if realizing she said something she shouldn’t have. Anya shifted uncomfortably before exhaling loudly.

“Look that’s not my story to tell ok. I loved her like a sister but that’s not my story to tell.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is in New York for Christmas. Spending more time with her friends and with Lexa. On New Years she goes to see her mother for the first time in four years. The conversation ends before in even begins.

Clarke groaned. This bed really wasn’t very comfortable. It was too firm and impossible to properly sink into. She looked over at the sleeping form beside her. The girl from the party. Niylah. Clarke couldn’t really remember why she had chosen to go home with her. At the time it had seemed a good decision. There was nothing wrong with Clarke getting laid. Lexa got laid all the time. Nothing wrong with that. It felt good and released stress. Nothing wrong with that at all. Especially if she wasn’t committed to anyone else.

Slipping out of bed, Clarke quickly put her cloths back on and gathered her things. It was probably a bit rude to just leave but Clarke had just given the women multiple orgasms so she figured it equaled out. She walked out of the door and quickly caught a cab back to Octavia’s place.

It was after midnight but Octavia was probably still up. Clarke knocked on the door and sure enough Octavia appeared. Complete with messy bun, oversized T-shirt, and sweatpants.

“Clarke?” Octavia asked as she opened the door.

“Hey, O.” Clarke said as she slipped by Octavia and into the apartment.

“You hook up with Lexa again?” Octavia asked as she followed Clarke inside. She and Lincoln had left before Lexa left with the redhead and Clarke left with Niylah.

“Nope. Girl named Niylah.” Clarke said as she sat down on the couch. The TV was on and the history channel was up.

“Ok, well Lincoln’s asleep. And ...I..I talked to your mom today.” Octavia said softly.  Clarke’s jaw clenched.

“And?”

“She wants to see you. She knows you’re doing Christmas with us so she thought maybe New Years? She’s hosting a party and everyone’s invited. She wants you to come.” Octavia said. Clarke’s jaw clenched.

“I’ll try to make it.” Clarke replied. Octavia stood up and fixed Clarke with one of her famous glares.

“Clarke. It’s been 4 years. You need to grow up and talk to your mom. She loves you Clarke.” Octavia stated. Her voice strong and clear.

“I said I would try.” Clarke retorted. Her gaze on Octavia’s hard eyes.

“She’s your mom Clarke. The only parent you have left. Grow up the hell up.” Octavia said again. This time she crossed her arms to emphasize the glare. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Goodnight Octavia.” Clarke said as she got up from the couch and went into the guest room. She closed the door behind her loudly and sank into the bed.

She couldn’t really be mad at Octavia. Clarke actually agreed with her. She missed her mom. Missed her since the day she packed her bags and left. Four years in a different city almost killed her. Four years without seeing her mom. Now Clarke would see her mother in less than two weeks and they would talk for the first time in 4 years. Clarke didn’t know what to say. How was Clarke supposed to apologize?

***

“You think 3 bottles is enough?” Anya asked as stepped into the elevator.

“It’s just 8 people Anya. Its Christmas dinner. Not a rager.” Lexa replied. She and Anya were having Christmas dinner with Lincoln, Octavia, Bellamy, Gina, Raven, and Clarke. They had spent the morning with Indra and Gustus but had promised the afternoon to Lincoln and Octavia.

Lexa looked back over at Anya. Who seemed a strange mix of excited energy and nervousness? Her face was essentially expressionless but Lexa could see she was bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet.

“Excited to see Raven again?” Lexa asked. Studying her friend’s expression.

“Yes.” It was a direct straight forward answer.

“Have you seen her since the Christmas party?”

“No. We’ve both been too busy. We’ve texted quite a bit though.” Anya replied.

The conversation was interrupted as the elevator opened. They walked to the door of Octavia’s apartment and knocked. Octavia answered the door.

“Jesus, Lex what happened to your face?” Octavia grinned as she ushered them inside. Lexa’s lip was still healing from a vicious punch Octavia had thrown while sparing a few days ago.

“I was trying to give a friend a confidence boost.” Lexa retorted.

A few months ago Octavia had expressed interest in learning to box. Lincoln suggested that she ask Lexa for some training. Lexa had been boxing for around 6 years and agreed to teach Octavia. They met a few times a week at Lincoln’s gym. Over the last few months a competitive friendship had flourished and Lexa couldn’t help but get closer to Lincoln’s little spitfire of a fiancé. 

Octavia rolled her eyes before saying, “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Lex.” She finished her sentence by throwing a mock right hook at Lexa’s jaw.

“Hey! At least save the alcohol before you two start fighting!” Raven said as she entered the kitchen and took the wine from Lexa’s hands. Raven sent Anya a flirty smile as she did so.

“Who’s fighting?” Bellamy said as he entered the room. His arm around his girlfriend Gina.

“Your sister is about to get her ass whooped.” Lexa said as she raised an eyebrow in challenge at Octavia. Octavia smirked and opened her mouth to reply but Gina interrupted.

“Ok, guys this kitchen isn’t that big. Octavia and Lexa why don’t you guys go rough house in the living room so Lincoln and I can finish the meal. And Bellamy make sure no one gets hurt.” Gina said as she ushered Octavia and Lexa through the doorway.

“My money’s on you Lexa!” Anya called after them.

“Kick her ass, O!” Raven called out.

“Oh. No. You two are out too. Lincoln and I are making this meal and unless either of you know how to peal potatoes or make a pumpkin pie ya’ll are being sent to the living room too.” Gina said to Raven and Anya. A hand on her hip and command in her voice.

“Fine. We don’t want to be here anyway.” Raven responded as she took Anya’s hand and pulled her toward the living room. Anya smirked and let Raven drag her to the living room. Luckily, Octavia’s living room was bigger than average NYC apartment and held a huge fluffy couch, good size love seat, and rather large lazy-boy recliner.

Lexa had her back turned as she entered the room. Her hands were up and she was fake sparing with Octavia who was advancing on her. Sending a few slow punches at her head. Moving backwards and paying more attention to Octavia than her surroundings, Lexa tripped over Clarke who was lying on a pile of blankets on the floor. Her arms flailed, a short cry escaped her mouth, and she fell sprawling on the floor.

Clarke cried out. Octavia burst into laughter. Bellamy smirked. Raven and Anya were still flirting in the hallway.

“Hell, yes. Griffin with the tap out!” Octavia laughed. Sending a triumphant grin in Lexa’s direction. Lexa rolled her eyes before seeing Clarke on the floor. She had known Clarke would be here and Lexa had made the decision to be friendlier toward the girl. It wasn’t Clarke’s fault she had witnessed Lexa’s panic attack and Lexa still felt bad about her curt manners at the Christmas party the other night. Lexa could at least be friendly toward Clarke.

Not raising herself off the floor Lexa said, “Merry Christmas, Clarke.” Clarke still looked a bit alarmed that Lexa had tripped over her and landed in a heap next to her. She pushed herself up into a sitting position and was only a few feet from Lexa.

“Merry Christmas, Lexa.” Clarke replied.

“Bellamy! You were supposed to make sure no one got hurt!” Gina cried as she entered the room and saw everyone surrounding Lexa and Clarke who were both still on the floor.

Holding up his hands in defense Bellamy said, “Hey, hey, I didn’t know princess would take Lexa out.” 

“I don’t know. I kinda think Lexa really _fell_ for Clarke.” Octavia smiled.

Rolling her eyes Clarke held a hand out to Octavia. “Help me up, O?” Clarke asked. Octavia took Clarke’s hand and began to help her up. Clarke pulled Octavia’s arm roughly as she pulled herself up and Octavia ended up in a heap on the floor next to Lexa.

Smirking at the surprised Octavia, Clarke held her hand out to Lexa before saying, “Looks like you really _fell_ for me too, O.”

Lexa accepted Clarke’s hand and Clarke pulled her to her feet. “Thanks for the help, Clarke.” Lexa said.

“No problem.”

“What were you doing on the floor anyway? If you don’t mind me asking?” Lexa asked.

“Mario Cart.” Clarke explained as gestured toward a controller on the ground. Looking at the screen Lexa saw that Clarke was indeed playing Mario Cart. “Wanta race?” Clarke added.

Smiling Lexa replied, “If you feel up to the challenge.”

“I think I can handle myself.” Clarke retorted. Her blue eyes meeting the challenge in Lexa’s green ones.

***

Clarke sighed contently. It had been a wonderful Christmas. They had just eaten a wonderful Christmas dinner prepared by Gina and Lincoln and now everyone was lounging in the living room and watching a Christmas movie.

Raven and Anya had somehow claimed the couch. Anya sitting on one side while Raven was laying down with her head in Anya’s lap. Anya’s hands playing her dark hair. Bellamy was sitting with Gina on the floor at the other end of the couch. Gina leaning against him as they quietly discussed _It’s a Wonderful Life._ Occasionally Raven’s foot would wonder over and tickle Bellamy’s curly hair. Bellamy would scratch his head in confusion while Gina suppressed her urge to laugh. Lincoln and Octavia were curled up on the floor in pile of blankets and pillows. Looking so utterly in love that Clarke was a little disgusted.

Clarke was sitting on the love seat next to Lexa. They had started the movie with space between them but as the night moved on they had somehow got closer until Clarke was leaning against Lexa and Lexa had her arm around Clarke.

Clarke was so utterly content in this moment. Surrounded by her friends. Her family really. All of them just happy to be together. Clarke hadn’t felt this happy in so long. Since before her father died. Before she moved to Boston.

These past years had not been happy. She had moved away. Her anger and frustration getting the best of her. Not wanting to see her mother. And for a while she hadn’t wanted to see her friends. Not after they lied to her. So she moved to another city. Away from everyone she loved. She had missed so much

She had missed watching Octavia fall in love with Lincoln. Missed teasing Octavia about her crush and ganging up on her with Raven. She had missed Bellamy’s transformation from fuckboy to a decent person. Missed his fight with Octavia that had led to so many phone conversations that Clarke should have had in person. She had missed Raven’s strength and perseverance after her accident. Missed Raven’s sarcastic sense of humor and intense confidence. She missed so many nights like this. Nights where friends could come together and just be. Clarke had lost all of this and now she couldn’t get it back. Her anger and stubbornness had lost her 4 years of her life.

Clarke felt her breathing pick up and tears threaten to fall as she thought of this. Thought of all the memories she would never be a part of.

She moved out from under Lexa’s arm and muttered an excuse about the bathroom as she got up from the love seat. She avoided Lexa’s eyes as she walked toward the bedroom she was staying in. Not stopping until she was safety inside with the door closed. That’s when she felt the tears come. Felt them roll down her face.

She tried to stop them. Tried to stop thinking about her friends in the other room. Her mother who she had also abandoned. All because of her anger and pride.

A light knock on the door interrupted her self-pity. A soft voice came wafting in.

“Clarke? It’s lexa. Are you ok?”

Clarke didn’t trust her voice. She didn’t reply. Hoping Lexa would give up and leave.

“I can go get Octavia if you prefer, Clarke.” Lexa’s soft voice wafted through the door again. Rising off the bed, Clarke opened the door and pulled Lexa inside before shutting the door again.

Trying to wipe the tear off her face and regain some sort of composure she said, “No. Please don’t tell Octavia. Or anyone else. Please.”

Lexa nodded and replied, “I won’t. But they’re your friends Clarke. They love you. You should tell them if somethings wrong.”

Lexa’s words triggered Clarke’s tears again. Yes, her friends loved her and Clarke had still left them. Fleeing to another city was nothing but a selfish act. Clarke sat back down on the bed and felt new tears form. Her hands cradling her face.

Lexa approached her and sat next to Clarke on the bed. She placed a hand on Clarke’s arm and back and when Clarke leaned into the contact, Lexa pulled Clarke into her arms. She pulled Clarke back until Lexa’s back hit the mattress and Clarke was curled up into Lexa’s side. Her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck and Lexa’s arms tight around her.

They laid like that for a while. Lexa letting Clarke cry. Cry until the tears dried up and Clarke’s breathing became normal again. Clarke just taking the comfort Lexa offered.

Once Clarke seemed calm enough, Lexa asked softly, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Clarke answered. Her head still resting on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Fair enough.” Lexa replied. Not feeling she had the right to pry. Clarke had not pushed her to talk and Lexa would not push Clarke to talk.

“We should go back out there. They will have wondered where we’ve gone.” Clarke said reluctantly. A large part of her didn’t want to leave Lexa’s arms.

“Alright.” Lexa replied as she raised herself and Clarke up off the bed. Giving Clarke’s hand one last squeeze she let her hand go and opened the door before following Clarke back into the living room.

***

“Where the hell have ya’ll been? It’s been almost an hour.” Raven asked as Lexa followed Clarke into the room. Clarke let Lexa sit down on the love seat first and then resumed her previous position of leaning against Lexa’s side with Lexa’s arm around her.

“Just be happy we were quiet, Raven.” Clarke retorted. Hoping Lexa would play along.

“Yeah, I was just giving Clarke her Christmas present.” Lexa replied with a grin. Punctuating the sentence with quick kiss to Clarke’s head.

“You’re doing your own laundry, Griffin.” Octavia said from the floor. Where she was still lying next to a now sleeping Lincoln.

“Where the hell is my Christmas present then, Lexa?” Raven asked. Her head lifting from Anya’s lap to give Lexa a mischievous grin.

“Anya, actually has yours, Raven” Lexa replied coolly. Raven grinned again and turned until her head was back in Anya’s lap looking up at her.

“Is that so?” Raven asked. Anya smirked but bent and whispered something in Raven’s ear. Whatever it was it was enough for Raven for a faint blush to spread across Raven’s cheeks. Anya looked a bit proud to be causing Raven some discomfort and smiled before going back to running her hands through Raven’s hair.

As the room feel silent except for the sound of the Television, Lexa took the time to revel in the feeling of being so close to someone. So close to Clarke. Lexa had never been a touchy feely person. Casual hugs made her uncomfortable and she rarely wanted people touching her arm while speaking or when making a point. Casual friendly touches just weren’t apart of who Lexa was.

The only one who ever got away with it was Costia. Even when they were just friends Costia would grab Lexa’s hand while walking, brush Lexa’s hair behind her ear, or give Lexa a kiss on the cheek in greeting. It had been one of the reason Lexa had fallen for her.

Costia was this bright little ball of sunshine who could make Lexa’s heart melt with a smile. An incredibly hopeless romantic. Costia was the kind of girl to take the spider outside instead of killing. The girl who would who would remember everyone’s favorite food so she could surprise you with when you felt down. The time of girl to save ever single damn receipt, ticket stub, or brochure from ever single restaurant, play, or event you both went too.

The last Christmas Costia had been alive was one of the happiest days Lexa could remember. They had been dating for two years and living together for one. Lexa had wanted to buy her a ring. Wanted to ask her for the rest of her life. But since Grounder Ale was still developing and not yet profitable she wanted to wait until her company was a success and she could buy Costia anything she desired.

So instead of a ring Lexa had gotten Costia a kitten.

_“Oh my god, Lex. She’s so tiny. Look at her, she’s so precious.” Costia cried when she opened the box to see the tiny kitten. Picking up the little bundle of fur, Costia clutched the kittenr to her chest._

_“She’s only 6 weeks old, Cos so be careful. She’s still fragile.” Lexa smiled. Happy her girlfriend was happy._

_“She’s fucking adorable, that’s what she is.” Costia exclaimed as the kitten started playing with a string on her hoody. Lexa smiled again. Costia cussing meant Costia was either extremely mad or extremely happy. This time it meant the latter._

_“Well, she also needs a name. So what do you want to call her?” Costia’s eyes narrowed and she bit her lip. Just as she always did when she was thinking._

_“Let’s call her ‘Knope.” After Leslie Knope.” Costia replied. Lexa wasn’t shocked at the request. Costia loved Parks and Rec and Leslie Knope was a hero to her. With the series coming to an end Lexa understood why she would want to name the kitten after Leslie._

_“Alright. Well welcome to the family Miss Knope.” Lexa said as he rubbed the kitten’s head._

That had been 3 years ago. Only a few months before the accident. That Christmas had ended with Lexa, Costia, and Knope falling asleep on the couch. Lexa spooning around Costia while Knope had wiggled her way between Lexa and the back of the couch.

Sitting here. Holding Clarke in a similar fashion Lexa felt a contentment similar to the one she felt back then. Surrounded by friends and holding a wonderful girl in her arms Lexa felt happier than she had right to be. She had spent so long wallowing her misery. Pushing everyone away. Working too hard and then playing too hard to keep her mind occupied and distracted.

It had been exhausting. Pushing away Lincoln and Anya. They were too persistent and cared too much. Eventually she let them back in. Realizing it hurt them as much as it hurt her to keep them away. But she didn’t want to develop feelings, even feeling of friendship for another. It gave them too much power over her. Made her happiness dependent on another person. Lexa didn’t think she survived if she gave someone else as much as she gave Costia. If the second person she poured her soul into ever left than Lexa felt she would wither away.

So Lexa made a life out of one night stands and hook-ups. Never staying the night and never taking a girl back to their apartment. It had worked for her. Allowed her some pleasure without the possibility of pain. But then Lincoln had proposed and Lexa met Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, and Clarke.

Clarke was first to move past her defenses. That night in Boston, Lexa knew she should have left Clarke’s bed. Should have returned to the hotel room. Except, she just didn’t want to. She liked the feeling of being pressed against Clarke. Loved the way their bodies fit together and how content she felt in that moment.

So, she stayed the night and morning ended up being a disaster.

Octavia was next to get through Lexa’s walls. The little spitfire of a girl asked Lexa to teach her boxing and Lexa consented. Octavia was ruthless, strong, and a sarcastic little shit when provoked. Lexa couldn’t help but like her. Through Octavia, Lexa spent more time around Raven. Who was perhaps the only one who could give Octavia a challenge in the ‘sarcastic little shit contest.” Raven was strong willed, had sass coming out of her ass, and was incredibly optimistic and bright at the same time. Lexa knew about her leg.  Knew that she never asked for pity. Never wanted help. Raven had lived through hell and would smile in the face of the devil if she could.

Lexa was still getting to know Bellamy. Looking at him it was easy to assume him a pompous prick. From what Lexa had been told he had been a prick at one time. But one day he and Octavia had a huge fight and Octavia refused to see him for around a month. Eventually, she let him back in. But Bellamy had gotten the message and evolved. He met Gina and soon the two were inseparable.

So yes, this small group of friends had wormed their way through Lexa’s walls. Forcing her into feeling things she’d rather not. But if she couldn’t help but care, she might as well give it her all. Looking down at Clarke, who seemed to be drifting off to sleep, Lexa decided that of she couldn’t stop caring, than she might as well give it her everything.

***

 

Dropping the barrowed duffle bag on the ground Clarke took a sip of her water as she scanned the gym. She and Octavia were in one of the back rooms of Lincoln’s gyms and were waiting on Lexa to join them. Octavia and Lexa had a boxing session scheduled and when Octavia asked Clarke to join them Clarke said yes.

Ever since the incident on Christmas, Clarke had been wanting to see Lexa again. Lexa was kind, beautiful, and fantastic in bed. She had Clarke intrigued. While Clarke didn’t want a relationship she felt it was fine to get to know Lexa better. Lexa had no problem with one night stands and by all accounts was not looking for a relationship. Clarke didn’t want a relationship, her last one had been too messy. So Clarke hoped she and Lexa could build a friendship and still hook up because the sex was incredible.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late.” Lexa’s voice interrupted Clarke’s thoughts as Lexa walked into the room. She dropped her bag next to Clarke’s and pulled off her sweatshirt revealing black tank top.

“Glad, you could join us Clarke.” Lexa said with a smile as she pulled her sweatpants down her toned legs. It wasn’t as if Clarke hadn’t seen Lexa’s body before. But those times were in desperate pursuit of pleasure. It was rushed and quick. About the destination and not the journey. Now looking at Lexa’s lithe body incased in Spandex, Clarke was wishing she had taken the scenic route.

“Thanks for letting me tag alone.” Clarke managed to reply after a moment. Thankfully Lexa hadn’t noticed Clarke’s slight pause before responding as Lexa had been putting her sneakers on. Octavia however, was sporting a very amused smile and raised an eyebrow at Clarke. Clarke quickly flipped her the bird before turning her attention back to Lexa.

“Octavia and I usually start off with a 10 minute warm up. Meant to raise the heart rate and get blood flowing.” Lexa said to Clarke.

“That works for me. But fair warning, I’m not in the best of shape.” Clarke replied. Not one to be ashamed of her curvy figure, Clarke never apologized for her body. But she was a bit ashamed that she couldn’t remember the last time she went running or willingly ate a salad.

“No worries Clarke. You seem in great shape to me.” Lexa replied with a smile.

The next ten minutes were filled with the three of them doing warm ups and stretches. Clarke soon felt herself work up a sweat. The room was warm and Lexa was relentless with the warm ups. Leaving little time for her to catch her breath.

When they had finished warming up, Lexa asked them both to put some gloves on so they could start. Clarke took a spare pair from the gyms collection while Octavia seemed to have her own. In bright pink. Across the knuckles one glove read ‘bad.’ The knuckles of the other read ‘bitch.’ ‘Bad Bitch’ It fit Octavia.

“Nice gloves.” Clarke commented.

Octavia smiled and replied, “Thanks. Christmas present from Lexa actually.” Clarke was about to respond when a dark haired girl entered the room.

“Ontari, thanks for coming.” Lexa said as the girl approached.

“No problem Lex. Sparing with you is always a good time.” The girl replied with flirty smile toward Lexa. Clarke felt her stomach tighten.

“Clarke. Octavia. This is my friend Ontari. She’s trained with me before and I asked her to come so we would have even numbers. You need a warm up Ontari?” Lexa said.

“Nope. Still warm from the self-defense class I just taught. Let’s get started.” Ontari replied as took off her shirt to just wear a sports bra.

“Great, Clarke we’re going to show you how to through a proper punch first.” Lexa said as they walked toward the training area.

“Let’s start with the stance.” Lexa said. “You orthodox or Southpaw?” She continued.

A bit confused, Clarke said, “Um… not sure?”

Lexa opened her mouth to explain but Ontari suddenly advanced on Clarke. Coming at her quickly with her hands up as if to attack. Clarke reacted instantly. He own hands coming up and her position instinctually changing.

Stopping right in front of Clarke, Ontari smirked. After a glance down at Clarke’s feet she said, “Look’s like we got ourselves a southpaw, Lexa.” Looking down at her feet Clarke noticed that her left foot had slipped slightly behind her right.

“That was unnecessary, Ontari” Lexa practically growled at the other girl. Ontari just rolled her eyes.

“Ok, Clarke as Ontari showed us your dominate foot is your left and you would punch with your left as well. Now your instinct was good but stance needs correction.” Moving next to Clarke, Lexa showed Clarke the proper stance. Lexa asked Octavia to step in front of Clarke with her gloves up once Clarke’s stance was right. Taking Clarke’s place, Lexa stood in front of Octavia to show her how to throw a proper punch at Octavia’s glove.

“Don’t just rely on your arm strength. A punch involves your whole body. That’s where you get the power from.” Lexa said. She than took hit Octavia’s glove a few times. Letting Clarke watch the movements of her body.

“Make sure to look at her foot too. Her dominate foot pivots slightly. Turning as her body turns with the punch.” Ontaria added. Ontari’s eyes roaming over Lexa’s form. Appreciation and desire in her gaze. Clarke’s fists clenched inside her gloves.

“Alright, Clarke. Your turn.” Lexa said after a few more hits. “Ontari why don’t you and Octavia go do some hits on the bag and Clarke will and I will join you in a moment.” Lexa added as an afterthought. Ontari didn’t look thrilled with the idea but consented. Leading Octavia over to some punching bags.

Holding her gloves up, Lexa said, “Alright Clarke. Hit me.”

Tring to mimic Lexa’s movement, Clarke got in her stance and swung. Hitting Lexa’s gloved hand as hard as she could.

“Not bad but keep your balance. You through too much of yourself in that one without keeping your stance. Stay balanced. Now again!” Lexa said. Smacking her gloves together for effect.

Lexa was relentless. Telling Clarke to hit her again and again. Correcting Clarke when she made a mistake. Not letting her catch her breath.

“Hands up Clarke! Protect your face!”

“Move your entire body. Not just the arm!”

“Hands up!”

“Use your legs Clarke. Power starts there!”

“Don’t let those hands drop!”

“Again!”

Lexa kept correcting her as Clarke swung again and again. Until her body started dripping with sweat and her face was flushed from exhortation. It was exhausting. Taking swing after swing. Finally, after what seemed an hour, Lexa seemed satisfied and told Clarke she earned a water break.

Octavia seemed in a similar state as she walked over to join Clarke for water.

“Doing alright, Griffin?”

“I’m fine. My death is eminent. But I’m good.” Clarke replied.

Octavia laughed, “Yeah, Lexa is a kind of hardass during training. Ontari doesn’t seem that much better.” Octavia replied as she greedily drank her water. Glancing over at Lexa and Ontari, Clarke saw Lexa give a small laugh at something Ontari said. Clarke didn’t like it.

***

“I said, I’m fine. Clarke.” Lexa repeated. Holding the bag of ice to her face as she set on the bench in the women’s locker room. The hit had hurt and bled a bit. But it wasn’t anything Lexa couldn’t handle.

“You could have a concussion. You need to go to the hospital, Lexa.” Clarke stated again. Her eyes focused and her stance one of determination.

“I don’t need to go to any hospital. I’m fine.” Lexa repeated again. Her eyes meeting Clarke’s hard gaze.

“Jesus Christ. I didn’t even hit her that hard.” Ontaria said. Exasperation in her voice.

Toward the end of the training session, Lexa and Ontaria had decided to do a little sparing. Lexa had assumed that meant minimum contact. Meant they were working more on movement than hitting. But Ontari was not on the same page. Catching Lexa with vicious right hook a few minutes into the session. Lexa took the full brunt of the punch but managed to stay on her feet. She moved her hands back into position to continue the session but Clarke entered the ring and demanded they stop.

.“Lexa…..” Clarke groaned as she folded her arms together and gave Lexa a look of disappointment mixed with anger.

“No hospital Clarke. And no doctors. I’m fine.” Lexa said again.

“You’re in med school Clarke. Why don’t you just check her out?” Octavia suggested. Clearly more interesting in the battle of wills than in Lexa’s injury.

“I’m not a doctor.” Clarke huffed.

“But you will be. How about this. Clarke you examine Lexa and if her eyes are dilated or something like that than you get to take her to the hospital. If you think she’s ok. No hospital.” Octavia suggested. Clarke hesitated. Considering the thought.

“I’m in.” Lexa said. Her eyes on Clarke.

“Ok, fine. Octavia get my damn phone.” Clarke said. She then approached Lexa and knelt in front of her. Octavia handed Clarke her phone and Clarke turned on the flashlight.

“Look at light, Lexa.” Clarke said as she held the light toward Lexa’s face. Looking into Lexa’s eyes, Clarke saw they responded to the light. The pupils shrinking at the intensity. That was a good sign.

Next Clarke held her finger out in front of Lexa. “Follow my finger with your eyes. Only your eyes.” Clarke commanded. Lexa’s head remained stationary as her eyes moved to keep Clarke’s finger in her sight. So far so good.

“Up, arms out, on one leg.” Clarke commanded. Lexa complied. Standing on one leg with her arms out at her sides.

“Keep your balance.” Clarke said. She then gently pushed down on Lexa’s arms. Checking her coordination and equilibrium. Lexa wobbled a little but no more than expected.

“Does your head hurt?” Clarke asked. Her eyes moved for Lexa’s body to Lexa’s gaze. The green eyes looking intently at Clarke. A heat in the gaze.

Lexa shook her head, “Nope.”

“Promise?” Clarke questioned. Lexa’s gaze dropped to Clarke’s lips.

“I’d never lie to you, Clarke.” Lexa replied. Her eyes still on Clarke’s mouth. Clarke dropped her gaze to Lexa’s parted lips. Surprised by the heat coiling in her belly, Clarke met Lexa’s gaze again. Lexa’s eyes were dilated now. But not by any concussion.

“Ok, this is public place you two. So calm the fuck down with the eye sex.” Octavia interrupted before throwing Lexa’s sweatshirt at her. When Lexa easily caught the shirt, Clarke became convinced she actually was ok.

 “Since Lexa seems ok. We should get going Clarke. We need to shower before the show.” Octavia continued. Clarke backed away from Lexa and picked up her bag. Clarke and Octavia had gotten Raven tickets to see _Wicked_ on Broadway tonight and they needed to be at the theater by 6:30.

“You sure you alright, Lexa?” Clarke asked once more.

“I’m fine, Clarke. Go have fun at the show.” Lexa said with encouraging smile. Leaving Lexa in the locker room to change, Ontaria showed Raven and Clarke the way out.

As they came to the door of the gym Clarke turned to Ontari and asked, “Keep an eye one her?”

“Don’t worry about Lexa, Clarke. I’ll make sure she gets all the attention she needs.” Ontari said with a twisted sort of smile. Not a smile of friendship or understanding but one that seemed at bit like a challenge or the threat.

Not liking the feeling of jealous coursing through her, Clarke replied with a simple, “Thank you” before pulling Octavia out the door.

***

 

Clarke took another deep breath. She was minutes from seeing her mother. Two years of anger, hate, and shame had led to the next few moments. Clarke wasn’t sure what she would say. Wasn’t sure what she could say. How do you apologize for wasting four years of your life?

“It’s gonna be fine Clarke. She loves you. Nothing to worry about.” Octavia said when she noticed Clarke’s discomfort. Clarke nodded in reply. Wishing she had Octavia’s confidence.

Luckily Abby had decided to rent a party space at a local country club rather than have it at her apartment. Clarke wasn’t sure she could handle going home again. At least a country club felt like neutral ground.

The room was large but crowded with people. A few Clarke could sort of recognize but most were strangers. Her eyes quickly found her mom. Dressed in a black dress with her hair braided, she looked the same as Clarke remembered her. Except her eyes didn’t seem tearstained and blood shot. She looked happy. Healthy. Alive.

Abby must have felt Clarke’s eyes. Looking over and seeing Clarke, a hopeful smile appeared on her face. Clarke allowed herself to smile back before walking toward her mother. Taking a deep breath to brace herself.

Just as Abby was about to reach Clarke a man Clarke didn’t recognize intercepted her. He took Abby gently by the arm and kissed her in greeting. Abby kissed him back quickly and put a hand on his arm before moving past him to move toward Clarke. When Abby’s hand came up to push past the man, that was when Clarke saw it.

 A ring.

Clarke looked up at her mother’s face. Abby’s expression changed from joy to worry as she realized Clarke had seen the ring and her embrace with the man. She paused slightly before moving toward Clarke again.

“Clarke….” Abby said. Her voice pleading with Clarke to wait. To let her explain.

Clarke couldn’t do. Couldn’t wait to hear about her mother’s new fiancé. Her own soon to be step-father. Clarke turned away from her mother. Turning on heel and looking for the nearest exit. She needed to get out of this place and find some air. Some room to breathe and process.

She walked briskly out of the room. Not turning around to her mother’s calls. When she finally got outside she just started to walk. Not caring the direction. Wandering the streets. Eyes open but not seeing. Her mother was married. To some random man that Clarke had never met. She hadn’t even told Clarke. Hadn’t invited her to the wedding. Hadn’t bothered to let her only daughter know.

Clarke’s phone went off again as she rounded another corner. Octavia again. Her mother didn’t even have the guts to call Clarke personally. Just as Clarke pressed ignore for Octavia a call from Raven showed up on screen. Frustrated, Clarke ignored Raven too.

Her mother was married and Clarke bet that her friends had known. Known and not told her. No Clarke didn’t want to talk to them. They lied to her. Again. The rage and embarrassment of the first time they lied to her began to creep into her mind. They had all known about Finn. Known he was cheating and no one had told her. They just let her play the fool. Just like they were doing know.

Octavia was calling her again. Clarke answered it.

 _“You fucking knew didn’t you! You all knew and no one told me!”_ Clarke screamed into the phone.

 _“No, Clarke its not….”_ Octavia tried to explain.

 _“How could you not tell me my mother was fucking married? How could you lie to me like that again_?” Clarke yelled.

_“Clarke, please just let me…….”_

Clarke hung up. Not wanting to hear an excuse or explanation. Instead Clarke took out her phone again. Not really thinking before dialing the number.

_“Clarke?”_

Hearing Lexa’s voice made Clarke question this decision. Just because she couldn’t talk to her friends didn’t mean she needed to dump her shit on Lexa. Even if Lexa was the person she wanted to see right now. There was a weird sort of bond formed between two people who have had break downs in front of one another. Lexa made her feel safe, and that’s what Clarke wanted right now.

“ _Clarke, what’s wrong_?” Lexa asked when Clarke didn’t reply.

 _“Hey Lexa, would…would you come pick me up?”_ Clarke asked. Trying to keep her voice steady.

“ _Clarke, what’s wrong? Are you ok?”_ Lexa asked. Her voice filled with concern.

 _“Just…please, Lexa. Come get me.”_ Clarke pleaded. Not wanting to explain. There was a pause before Lexa replied.

_“Text me the address.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa picks Clarke up and they spend New Year's together.

Reaching into her cabinet Lexa brought down large bowl and poured the freshly popped popcorn in it. She grabbed two more beers and went back into living room.  
Clarke was still in her same position. Laying on the couch. Her back propped up against pillows piled up against the arm rest. Her dress was hanging in the closet and she wore an oversized T-shirt of Lexa’s and a pair of running shorts. Clarke lifted her legs up as Lexa sat down on the other side of the couch. Clarke’s socked feet coming back down in Lexa’s lap as she handed Clarke a beer and put the popcorn on the coffee table. 

It was New Year’s Eve. Lexa could be at any number of parties. Getting drunk. Hooking up. Anything but sitting in her living room eating popcorn and watching Orphan Black reruns. But, here she was. On the couch. Popcorn on the table. A girl’s feet innocently in her lap. Her plan had been to party. Have some drinks. Find a girl. Celebrate the New Year in such a way she might forget the old.  
But plans change. When Clarke called a few hours ago it all changed. She’d forgone a car or cab and taken Anya’s motorcycle. It was easier to weave through traffic on the bike and it was faster than any car. Of course, she hadn’t planned on Clarke being in a dress. Clarke didn’t seem to mind. She took the helmet from Lexa’s hand, pulled up her dress to straddle the bike, wrapped her arms around Lexa’s middle, and rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder all the way back to Lexa’s apartment. 

Now they were on their 3rd episode of orphan black and sipping their way through their second beer. 

“I’ve never understood the Paul thing. He’s attractive but he’s such……… such a brooding male lead.” Clarke murmured as she popped some popcorn in her mouth.  
“  
Never cared for Paul. My attention is usually focused on Delphine.” 

“Have a thing for French girls?” Clarke teased. 

“Maybe I just have a thing for blondes.” Lexa replied as she nonchalantly took another sip of beer. Clarke snorted at the line but didn’t respond for a few moments. Lexa’s eyes stayed on the TV screen. Taking small sips of her beer. 

“Was Costia a blonde?” Clarke asked. Her eyes studying Lexa. Lexa’s jaw clenched and Clarke could see the tendons on her neck constrict slightly. No one spoke. The TV the only sound in the room. After a few moments Lexa sighed.

“Yes. It was her natural hair-color. She died it blue a few times. But mostly it was blond. Not really a golden blonde like you though. Darker…….. More like honey than sunlight.” Lexa said softly. Eyes vacantly on the screen.

“Was Costia…..” Clarke began to ask another question. Lexa interrupted. 

“What happened today? Why did you need to leave?” Lexa asked. Her head turning to meet Clarke’s eyes. Clarke eyes dropped to her lap.

“Its…its complicated and….”

“We’ve got time. I’ll tell you about Costia if you tell me about today. That’s the deal.” Lexa said sharply. Gaze still on Clarke whose eyes rose to meet her own. Clarke pulled her feet back and hugged her legs to her chest before she began speaking.

“Today I saw my mom for the first time in years and she had ring on her finger. Your turn.” Lexa’s eyes narrowed at the information but it was her turn to share. 

“I met Costia in college junior year. At a LGBT meeting at the union as cliché as it sounds. What happened to your dad?” 

“My dad died while I was in college and still with Finn. Drunk driver. How long where you together?”

“Three years. She died almost 3 years to the day we first kissed. Who’s Finn?” 

“Ex-boyfriend. He cheated on me and we broke up but it’s complicated. How’d costia die?” 

“Officially it was a mugging gone wrong. She was missing for 2 weeks before they found her. Explain Finn?” 

“He…..Finn cheated on me in college. For months basically. Caught him in our room with some girl. Turns out everyone had known for months but didn’t bother to tell me. We got back together a while later but not for long. Did you love Costia?”

“Yes. Of course. First love. Moon of my life. All of that and more. Everyone knew but didn’t tell you?”

“Everyone knew. My mom, Raven, Octavia, Bellamy. They knew but didn’t tell me. Found out a few days before my dad died. Didn’t tell me because they didn’t want to add to my pain. So instead they let my adulterous boyfriend wipe my tears and take care of me. All while he was fucking other girls behind by back. Is that why you hook up so much? Why you’re a player. Cause Costia died?” Lexa paused before responding.

“Yes. Sex feels good. It’s easy to find someone willing to give a few hours. No commitment needed. No chance or reason to fall in love again. To lose love again. Is that why you moved to Boston? Mad at your mom and friends for lying about Finn?”

“Yes. I was angry. Felt like everyone was either lying to me or laughing behind by back. Boston seemed a good option. Good med school. Big city. New start. So you never want to fall in love again? Not after Costia?”

“For a long time I thought love was weakness. Sometimes I still do……. But I’m beginning to think love is something you can fight. Sometimes it just happens. Whether you want it to or not.” Lexa paused and looked at the women beside her. Knees drawn to her chest, messy blonde bun, big blue eyes gazing back at her. No, love wasn’t really something you can fight. Clearing her throat Lexa asked, “So you forgave your friends. Why wait until today to talk to your mom?” Clarke sighed. Began fiddling with the hem of the borrowed shirt she was wearing.

“Before my dad died he….he was in a medically induced coma for 3 weeks. We….my mom and I fought about when and if to….to pull the plug I guess. She choose to let him go and I fought her on it. We fought about. I already wasn’t talking to her when I found out my friends lied to me about Finn. Then I found out she knew about Finn too and…… I just couldn’t handle it. So…...Boston.”  
Lexa studied Clarke. Her knees hugged to her chest. Lexa’s oversized shirt slipping off one shoulder. Blue eyes unnaturally bright against red rims. A soft sniffle came from Clarke and a hand reached up to wipe her nose. It was New Year’s Eve and she and Clarke were sniffing away tears. 

“I’m sorry Clarke. Its New Years and you should be having fun but……” Lexa interrupted herself with a sharp little laugh. “…but instead were…..well…” Lexa wiped away a tear”…..doing this.”  
Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s. Green eyes, looking a little blood shot, stared back at her. It was true. They were lying on a couch and sharing secrets. Watching TV and sniffling when most people their age were out making stupid decisions. They still had time to make stupid decisions. 

Clarke moved forward and pressed her lips to Lexa’s. One hand tangled in her hair. The other in her shirt. Lexa melted into it. Feeling Clarke’s tongue slip into her mouth felt heat coil low in her belly. When Clarke’s hand slide under her shirt to palm her breaths Lexa pulled back and stilled Clarke’s hands.

Confusion etched in her face Clarke asked, “What’s wrong Lexa?”

“I….I don’t think this is a good idea. I…..we’re not strangers just having a random fuck anymore.” Lexa said. Clarke frowned. 

“So what…you don’t hook up with friends?” Clarke asked as she moved off Lexa’s lap. Lexa’s brow furrowed.

“Friends?” Lexa asked. 

“Yeah, I thought we were friends. Long distance friends at least.” Clarke said. 

“Ok. Friends.” Lexa smiled. It didn’t quite reach her eyes. She turned away from the Clarke and refocused her attention of the television screen. After a few moments Clarke unfolded her legs and put her legs back in Lexa’s lap. Another episode began playing and Clarke turned her attention back the screen as the theme music played.  
***

A crick in Clarke’s back pulled her from her sleep. With a grimace she repositioned herself trying to get comfortable but she struggled to find a decent position. Groaning she pulled herself up and opened her eyes.  
The TV was still on but nothing played. Instead the screen was asking if they were still watching Orphan Black. Lexa curled up on the other side of the couch. Her head at an awkward angle and her legs pulled to her chest. Taking a peak at her phone Clarke ignored all the phone calls and text messages to see that it was around 3am. It was New Years and she and Lexa had missed the ball drop and celebration. Clarke felt guilt creep up her spin. Lexa could have been out having fun at some party. But she dropped everything when Clarke needed her. 

Looking at her sleeping form it was hard to believe that this was the same girl who picked her up on a motorcycle and cruised bars in leather jackets. She looked so soft. Her mouth partly open in sleep and chest moving slightly as she breathed. Clarke had the sudden urge to draw her. To sketch the perfect jaw line, shape the plump lips, and shade the contours of her collar bone. Clarke pushed the urge away. 

“Lexa, wake up……….” Clarke moved to gently shake Lexa awake. If she sleep in that position the entire night she’d get a wicked crick in her neck. Lexa’s eyes opened. She slowly uncurled herself from her position and grimaced as she did so. 

“Clarke?” she asked she rubbed some sleep from her eyes. 

“You should go to bed Lexa.”

“Ok…wait are you going back to Octavia’s?” Lexa asked. Not sure if Clarke was ready to go back there. 

“I was hoping you’d let me spend the night on your couch…..since we’re friends and everything.” Clarke asked a little shyly. 

“No. If anything you take the bed and I take the couch.” Lexa responded with a yawn. Raising her arms above her head to stretch as she stood, Clarke caught a glimpse of her toned stomach. 

“I’m not making you sleep on the couch in your own apartment.” 

“We’ll I’m not making you sleep on the couch.” Lexa retorted. Clarke’s eyes narrowed.

“Lexa…..”

“Fine. We’ll both take the bed. It will be completely innocent and just for sleep. Work for you?” Lexa sighed. Clarke hesitated. The last time she woke up with Lexa in her bed it didn’t end well. 

“Are you sure Lex? I mean I don’t want you…last time…” Lexa cut her off.

“Look Clarke, you can’t coddle me for what happened last time. I…it…it was a moment of panic and something I have to force myself to work through. And I rather do that with you platonically, than with a stranger.” Lexa replied. 

“If you’re sure?”

“I am.” 

“Ok. Let’s get to sleep.”  
***  
Clarke awoke to find her head buried in a mass of curly hair. Her front pressed firmly against Lexa’s back, Clarke’s hand had found its way under Lexa’s T-shirt and to the firm skin beneath. Not the most platonic position to wake up in when sleeping next to a friend. Clarke begins to pull her hand away but Lexa stops her. A hand moving to hold hers in place.

“Stay. Please. Just for a bit.” Lexa says quietly. A whispered want Lexa doesn’t feel she has right to ask but does so anyway. Clarke complies and relaxes into her. There’s an unexplainable pleasure in holding someone who wants to be held. They stay like that for a while. Clarke’s arm around Lexa and their bodies molded together under the sheets. Clarke begins to thing Lexa drifted back to sleep but her soft voice interrupts the contented silence. 

“With Costia…I always spooned Costia. I always held her. She’d use my arm as a pillow and in the morning I’d have to massage feeling back into it. Sometimes I’d wake up and find her hair in my mouth or her elbow in my gut. I didn’t care. It all seemed so perfect.” 

“It was perfect, Lex. It may be gone but nothing changes that.” Clarke replied. Stroking Lexa’s stomach lightly with her fingers. 

“Did you love Finn?” Lexa asked. Clarke sighed.

“At the time I thought I did. He was handsome, funny, and cared about things. Every girl I met told me how lucky I was to have him. I thought I loved him. Now I’m not so sure.” Clarke responded. 

“Do you think you’ve ever been love?” Lexa asked. Clarke’s hand paused over Lexa’s belly. 

“I don’t think so.” Clarke responded right before she exited the bed. Pushing off the sheets when it suddenly seemed too hot. 

“Clarke? Clarke? Are you ok?” Lexa asked as she turned over. 

“What? Fine? Sudden urge to pee. Right back.” Clarke said as she went into the bathroom. Shutting the door Clarke sat on the leaned over the sink and splashed some water on her face. Trying to calm herself after a brief moment of panic than came with a sudden realization. A untrue, unfounded realization. She wasn’t in love with Lexa. She was anything with Lexa. Just friends. Just friends. Just friends. She repeated the mantra to herself as she convinced herself of its validity. 

A knock on the door was followed by Lexa saying, “Clarke are you ok in there?” Looking at herself in the mirror Clarke composed herself before opening the door. 

“I’m fine. Just need some coffee.” Clarke smiled. Hoping it reached her eyes. Lexa studied her. As if trying to learn if Clarke was telling the truth. Lexa’s hair was a curly mass, her green eyes still sleepy, and the strap of her tank-top hanging of her shoulder. She looked like a Sunday lazy Sunday morning and Clarke was once again assaulted with a warmth and affection. Shaking the feelings off, Clarke brushed by Lexa and went toward the kitchen. 

Running a hand through her hair, Lexa followed her. Confused. But content to let Clarke be until she decided to explain herself. At the moment she was content to let Clarke do anything she liked. The bright blue eyes. The messy hair. The way she looked in a T-shirt and running shorts. Lexa was falling. Hard, fast, and freely. 

Lexa knew it. Knew she was the edge of a cliff. She didn’t know what was at the bottom. Water. Cliffs. Heartbreak. Happiness. But she did know she was willing to jump. And hope that Clarke would hold her hand on the way down.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any and all grammar mistakes. Comments are very much appreciated. Anyways you can find me on Tumblr under URL maryanneomalley.


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